Nigga What, Nigga Who


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All morning I have been reading about an argument on the View between
Whoopi and Elisabeth about the use of the N-word and then reading some of the comments from readers. 
I am not fond of either of them especially Elisabeth (she is a crotch) and I don't agree with either, but I do understand where they are both coming from. 
I am black, proud of it, I went to a predominately white middle and high school after going to an all black elementary school. Being shy anyway, middle school was such a culture shock for me. All of the other black kids at my school kinda stuck together, I had white friends, but i felt like I knew who my real friends were and till this day I still keep in contact with a few of my black friends, and not any of my white friends. 
I think the fact that we could relate to one another, getting up early and getting on a bus to be shipped off to the suburbs for school, having to explain to your friends on the block why you get home so late and why you talk differently sometimes. It was an opportunity of a lifetime to be socialized with kids that you wouldn't normally know and mostly a chance at a better education than the Boston Public schools could offer.
Within that group of friend we spoke to each other is a certain way, nigga (not nigger, don't get it twisted, there is a difference) was a word, that was just that, a word. We used it all the time with each other, we heard it in our music, for me it was a word that I didn't hear very often at home, but for a lot of us it was. It had a negative connotation for anyone using it that wasn't black, it was a double standard simply put. And that is the way that it is and how it has always been. There is a phrase that we used to use out in suburbia when our white friends couldn't relate to what were were talking about, we would say, Its a black thing, you wouldn't understand. And its the same way with the n-word. 
As a child I never personally experienced the ugly side of the n-word, but my mother who grew up poor in North Carolina and my father who grew up poor in Boston and ran with the black panther out in LA in his 20's so I knew how ugly the n-word could be, and I never said it at home. 
My mother tells me stories about how her parents were afraid to vote when they finally got the chance to and how as a child she didn't understand why they wanted to vote anyway because it didn't change anything. How she couldn't use the same water fountain and bathroom as white people, but that was just the way things were then, so it didn't seem wrong. And although it was way past those times, she picked cotton for extra money. 
As an adult I have only been called the n-word to my face once by a crazy road raging lady in traffic in North Carolina. And all I did was laugh, not because it was funny, but because she was so ignorant that she couldn't think of anything more intelligent to say, bitch, asshole or douchebag would have been so much more fitting. 
I am now married to a white man and without those experiences in the suburbs I don't think that I would have been open minded enough to pursue a relationship with someone outside my race. He and i have had discussions about the n-word, he has enough black friends to know that its not cool that he says it and he never has said it around me. Even though we are married and I know him better than anyone else,  I still don't think that I would be comfortable with him saying the n-word and that's knowing that it wouldn't be coming from an ugly place from him, its just because he is white. If that makes me a hypocrite than so be it. 
On the rare occasion that I do say it now a days, whether I singing along to Nas or Jay Z or I am talking to one of my friends it still very natural and very comfortable for me to say and I know that is because I am not using it in a negative way. 
As for my ladies of The View, I agree with Sherri. 

Im back and fat

so I am officially on a diet. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. For a long time I tried to convince myself that I didn't mind being fat, saying oh I am  16 that is normal, an 18 is fat, until I had to buy an 18 then a 20 became fat. I make fat girl jokes, but the truth is that its so hard being overweight. I don't want to be a size 2, although that would be nice, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, be able to run around with my kids and not feel like I am on the verge of a heart attack and I want my husband to be able to pick me up with out struggling. I know the last one sounds so petty, but we have been married for 4 years and he has probably done it twice and it was only when I was sick or when I hurt my back. 

Since I cut my hair I don't feel pretty anymore. I don't wear a lot of make up any more so I just feel like a fat boy most of the time. I feel like when people see me with my kids or with my husband they can't understand how we fit together. I want to feel good about myself for my kids and look pretty for my husband and mostly for myself. 

A lot of this has to do with money. Since my husband is the only one working, I feel like I shouldn't be spending money on myself so that is one of the reasons why I cut my hair because it costs so much less to take care of my hair now. I don't buy make up because I really don't go out and I don't spend on clothes that aren't practical for running around with the kids. I kinda feel like I am stuck in a rut. Am I going through a mid life crisis already? 

As much as I love my kids, I think that I want to go back to work. I don't think that I really have what it takes to be a stay at home mom. I think that I have been faking it the last year. I feel more like a babysitter that a mother sometimes. I feel so angry sometimes at the way that my life has turned out, but I know that I am just angry at myself for not finishing school and being more successful. I don't want to be a receptionist anymore, but I don't think I am qualified for much else at this point. I keep saying that I am going to finish school, but I know how I am, I will create excuses for not getting it done, but since I know that shouldn't I be able to avoid it, I a perfect world maybe. 

In order to go back to school, I have to pay some fines and get caught up on my loan, a matter of maybe $300. I can save that up. I need some goals, here we go:


1. Be proactive about losing weight, eat healthy, write down what I eat daily, exercise, go for walks, go up and down the stairs more often


2. Save up the money to get back into design school, stop spending on bullshit, clip coupons, no more eating out and stay out of the mall and no shopping online


3. Be more confident and outgoing (this is going to be the hardest for me) 


4. Be nice to everyone around me, I  am usually so sour and withdrawn

  (I was really nice to everyone at the grocery store the other day and it felt really good and it made shopping a better

 experience)



I'd better get to work!

Im Movin' on out

We are in the process of moving so I haven't had much time to blog. I will say this, moving sucks ass. This will be the last move for us for a long time. I have been spending time on kaboodle.com, its really a cool place for all those fashionistas and design geeks out there. Anyway we are getting settled at my mothers now so I will be blogging again soon.

See Ya

WE BEAT LA


THIS WAS AN AWESOME NIGHT FOR BOSTON!!!!!!!!! 
THE BIG THREE





These are a few of my Favorite Things


THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS (The "real" list)


My family and the way they bring out the best in me


My husbands kind eyes, his goofy laugh, his amazing calm when I am in psyco mode, and when he leans over to kiss me and say I love u in the middle of the night 


My little daughters dimples, her independent spirit , how in love with her daddy she is, and how she tilts her head to the side and bats her eyelashes to get her way


My older daughters carefree dancing, her sensitivity, her curiosity, her optimism in any situation and the fact that she is only 7 and she is one of my best friends


The stretch on my stomach (it reminds me that I am a mommy)


my wedding band


when my mother in law rolls around on the floor playing with my kids every time she comes by


my mothers nicknames for my kids Dimp and Smooches


My father in law, love him!


My friendship with my best friend, no matter how long its been since we have spoken we always seem to pick up right where we left off


Ellen Degeneres, (seriously )she is such am inspiration to me, she is my Oprah!


Dr. Wayne Dyer (if u don't know, u better go find out, he will change your life)







THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS (The Superficial List)

(in no particular order, but shoes is first)


Shoes (especially wedges and flip flops)


Shopping


Boston and all its sports teams (SOX, PATS, CELTS and the Bruins I Suppose)


Movies (The color purple, the 40 year old virgin, Friday, steel magnolias,Boyz in the hood, The kings of comedy)


Music (Wu Tang Clan, Jay Z, NERD, NAS, Fall Out Boy, Gym Class Heroes,  Linkin Park)


SEX


Jewelry


furniture (ikea, pottery barn, ethan allen, west elm)


Dane Cook (SU-FI)

Katt Williams

Cedric The entertainer

Wanda Sykes


I love Love LOVE Ellen Degeneres


sleazy reality shows


cupcakes (baking them more than eating them)


the Wii


wide legged pants (they work wonders on fat chicks)


My Mac


Crocheting


Reading (magazines and books)


deodorant (buying and applying, don't ask)


hair products


lip gloss


pizza. seafood, banana chips


Shoes, in case u missed that




Baby, Baby, Baby

Even though we are in the midst of a move, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. I know that sounds crazy, but with my history it will probably take forever for it to happen and if it happens sooner that later at least nine months from now we will be back in North Carolina by the time that the baby is born. 

After I had my last child, I didn't really want to have another one. My recovery from it was really difficult, I got really sick and I couldn't even hold her for the fist week she was at home.

I have something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. Its fairly common. The symptoms are weight gain (check) Irregular periods and in turn not ovulating(check) high blood pressure (check) Diabetes (not yet, but I do show signs of insulin resistance) and an increase of male hormones (I do have some facial hair that I do remove, but I haven't sprouted balls yet!) among several other symptoms. No fun in other words. 

I think that the one thing that bothers me the most is that I have so many problems with fertility. I was on meds to conceive my second child and it cause mood swings and I was so depressed that it had to come to that to have a baby. I really want to try for a boy, but I am not really looking forward to all that it take to get there. I just wish that it would happen the old fashion way like with my first. 

This last two months I actually got my period and I tracked the days that I should have been ovulating, and we well you know and I am hoping that it worked. If not it was fun trying! As of right now I my period is 6 days late, I took a pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative, but I read that women with PCOS sometimes won't get a positive test result for a while because the hormone levels are so low. So I am hoping that I am pregnant now. 

Go Celtics! BEAT LA


Congrats Celtics on the Win last night, keep up the good work, you deserve the title!


I am done being scared!

Hubby and I had a free afternoon to ourselves yesterday so we decided to catch a movie, something we don't get to do that often. We were going to see Indiana Jones, but everyone we know said that it was kinda disappointing. My husband wasn't into SATC and I hate Adam Sandler. So we saw the Strangers. The ads for it made it look good and scary and the movie didn't disappoint. I was under my husbands arm the entire movie. Toward the ending it got slow, but the end made up for it. In one word the moving was disturbing. In the beginning it says that its based on real events and I think that is what made it so crazy.  When we got home my husband looked it up to see how real it was and found out that a lot of the plot was real, but that some of the elements were derived from the directors childhood experiences. What was the most disturbing is that the real crime was was more grizzly and it involved children I am glad that the movie didn't go there because that is a deal breaker of me, I can't watch movies where children are hurt. Needless to say I was scared all night!

That got me to thinking, as I have gotten older I realized that there are several things that we do as teenagers and young adults that we just don't deal with as we get older. For instance, for years I was always so amped to go to amusement parks and ride the roller coasters and I loved it. But when I was about 25 I went to six flags and rode the Superman ride and before it took off, I wondered why I was even on this damed thing. I realized then that I didn't really like roller coasters and I never really did. All I do is close my eyes and scream and I didn't every really enjoy them. So I haven't gone on one since and I will probably never ride one again. That is the same way that I feel about scary movies, I am done with them. I get too scared to even enjoy them. 

So I am done being scared.....at least of horror flicks and roller coasters. Now I just have to stop being afraid of everything else!


Congrats OBAMA!!!!

I am so terribly excited about this presidential race. I am so confident that Barak Obama is the right man for the job and I think that he has what it takes to turn this country around. My favorite tee shirt says it all. 

MTV RealiTV Tila Tequia and Real World...Bonus Johnny Depp


A shot at love


I feel like I need to cleanse my eyes after watching this show. She made out with 5 people this episode all in one day. Far be it for me to sound like a prude, I had my fair share of fun, probably too much, back in the day. But this is just icky. 

Jay says the Bo got his sloppy seconds, but according to my tally he got someone else sloppy thirds! 

So on this episode they were give the option of getting a Tila themed tattoo, a piercing, walking on (fake) glass or sitting in the electric chair. Um, what, I mean she is cute, but not pain worthy! So there ended up being three tattoos, one piercing, a glass walk and one in the chair. Then they ad to drink hot dogs as a competition cause thats a true measure of love, and Lisa won again. It all seemed kinda lame to me in the end. 

Tonight she sent Lisa and George home, so my prediction was wrong. I think that Brittany should have gone home, she is kind of a brat. According to the preview the final two looks like Bo and Christy and I read that she picks Christy in the end. Next weeks episode the finale should be interesting, Tila meets the parents. 

I just re-watched the MTV movie awards overall it was corny with the exception of the skits with Mike Myers, the fatty smoking Seth Rogan and then there was Johnny Depp. Be still my heart....he looked so hot, just ridiculously hot. He took it back to the 21 jump street/cry baby days with the clean shaven face. He no longer looked like a 19th century french peasant. My husband, soooo jealous! 





Real World


The episode this week was good. Joey came back, but its clear that he is not going to be able to handle the life back in the real world house. Rehab seems like it  has helped him a lot and I think that with him being back in the house will make him relapse. Joey was angry that his housemates were not being sensitive to the fact that he was now sober because they were drinking and partying just as much as they were before he left for rehab. I do think that it was a little shady that there were drinking right in front of him, but Bri was right when she said that they shouldn't have made any promises about changing when he got home because they wouldn't keep, and in that house its every man for themselves. Joey really needs to do what is best for himself and that probably means going back home. 

For some reason I think that Sarah is pregnant, call me crazy because I thought that she was celibate or waiting till she was married. I am probably wrong, but she hasn't been partying with the rest of them lately and this was before Joey came home. 

How much of a tool is Greg! And who in the hell told him that he was good looking enough to be a model. I don't think that he is ugly, but as soon as he opens his mouth, busted! I am glad that he is gone, I am not sure why he thought that the rules didn't apply to him when it came to the job, but from his personality it seems he is not too much of a rule follower. 

Ok, I hate to do this to my girl Bri, but from one sista to another, I am sure that your extensions looked bangin when you first got them done, but now they have worn out their welcome. I like the hair color on her, but she needs to do something else to it or at least have it re-braided. 

I think that Will is such a cutie, he looks so much better with the dreads off his face. And I think that him and Janelle make a really cute couple, but she seems like a little of a heartbreaker.