so I am officially on a diet. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. For a long time I tried to convince myself that I didn't mind being fat, saying oh I am 16 that is normal, an 18 is fat, until I had to buy an 18 then a 20 became fat. I make fat girl jokes, but the truth is that its so hard being overweight. I don't want to be a size 2, although that would be nice, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, be able to run around with my kids and not feel like I am on the verge of a heart attack and I want my husband to be able to pick me up with out struggling. I know the last one sounds so petty, but we have been married for 4 years and he has probably done it twice and it was only when I was sick or when I hurt my back.
Since I cut my hair I don't feel pretty anymore. I don't wear a lot of make up any more so I just feel like a fat boy most of the time. I feel like when people see me with my kids or with my husband they can't understand how we fit together. I want to feel good about myself for my kids and look pretty for my husband and mostly for myself.
A lot of this has to do with money. Since my husband is the only one working, I feel like I shouldn't be spending money on myself so that is one of the reasons why I cut my hair because it costs so much less to take care of my hair now. I don't buy make up because I really don't go out and I don't spend on clothes that aren't practical for running around with the kids. I kinda feel like I am stuck in a rut. Am I going through a mid life crisis already?
As much as I love my kids, I think that I want to go back to work. I don't think that I really have what it takes to be a stay at home mom. I think that I have been faking it the last year. I feel more like a babysitter that a mother sometimes. I feel so angry sometimes at the way that my life has turned out, but I know that I am just angry at myself for not finishing school and being more successful. I don't want to be a receptionist anymore, but I don't think I am qualified for much else at this point. I keep saying that I am going to finish school, but I know how I am, I will create excuses for not getting it done, but since I know that shouldn't I be able to avoid it, I a perfect world maybe.
In order to go back to school, I have to pay some fines and get caught up on my loan, a matter of maybe $300. I can save that up. I need some goals, here we go:
1. Be proactive about losing weight, eat healthy, write down what I eat daily, exercise, go for walks, go up and down the stairs more often
2. Save up the money to get back into design school, stop spending on bullshit, clip coupons, no more eating out and stay out of the mall and no shopping online
3. Be more confident and outgoing (this is going to be the hardest for me)
4. Be nice to everyone around me, I am usually so sour and withdrawn
(I was really nice to everyone at the grocery store the other day and it felt really good and it made shopping a better
experience)
I'd better get to work!
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