Nigga What, Nigga Who


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All morning I have been reading about an argument on the View between
Whoopi and Elisabeth about the use of the N-word and then reading some of the comments from readers. 
I am not fond of either of them especially Elisabeth (she is a crotch) and I don't agree with either, but I do understand where they are both coming from. 
I am black, proud of it, I went to a predominately white middle and high school after going to an all black elementary school. Being shy anyway, middle school was such a culture shock for me. All of the other black kids at my school kinda stuck together, I had white friends, but i felt like I knew who my real friends were and till this day I still keep in contact with a few of my black friends, and not any of my white friends. 
I think the fact that we could relate to one another, getting up early and getting on a bus to be shipped off to the suburbs for school, having to explain to your friends on the block why you get home so late and why you talk differently sometimes. It was an opportunity of a lifetime to be socialized with kids that you wouldn't normally know and mostly a chance at a better education than the Boston Public schools could offer.
Within that group of friend we spoke to each other is a certain way, nigga (not nigger, don't get it twisted, there is a difference) was a word, that was just that, a word. We used it all the time with each other, we heard it in our music, for me it was a word that I didn't hear very often at home, but for a lot of us it was. It had a negative connotation for anyone using it that wasn't black, it was a double standard simply put. And that is the way that it is and how it has always been. There is a phrase that we used to use out in suburbia when our white friends couldn't relate to what were were talking about, we would say, Its a black thing, you wouldn't understand. And its the same way with the n-word. 
As a child I never personally experienced the ugly side of the n-word, but my mother who grew up poor in North Carolina and my father who grew up poor in Boston and ran with the black panther out in LA in his 20's so I knew how ugly the n-word could be, and I never said it at home. 
My mother tells me stories about how her parents were afraid to vote when they finally got the chance to and how as a child she didn't understand why they wanted to vote anyway because it didn't change anything. How she couldn't use the same water fountain and bathroom as white people, but that was just the way things were then, so it didn't seem wrong. And although it was way past those times, she picked cotton for extra money. 
As an adult I have only been called the n-word to my face once by a crazy road raging lady in traffic in North Carolina. And all I did was laugh, not because it was funny, but because she was so ignorant that she couldn't think of anything more intelligent to say, bitch, asshole or douchebag would have been so much more fitting. 
I am now married to a white man and without those experiences in the suburbs I don't think that I would have been open minded enough to pursue a relationship with someone outside my race. He and i have had discussions about the n-word, he has enough black friends to know that its not cool that he says it and he never has said it around me. Even though we are married and I know him better than anyone else,  I still don't think that I would be comfortable with him saying the n-word and that's knowing that it wouldn't be coming from an ugly place from him, its just because he is white. If that makes me a hypocrite than so be it. 
On the rare occasion that I do say it now a days, whether I singing along to Nas or Jay Z or I am talking to one of my friends it still very natural and very comfortable for me to say and I know that is because I am not using it in a negative way. 
As for my ladies of The View, I agree with Sherri. 

Im back and fat

so I am officially on a diet. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. For a long time I tried to convince myself that I didn't mind being fat, saying oh I am  16 that is normal, an 18 is fat, until I had to buy an 18 then a 20 became fat. I make fat girl jokes, but the truth is that its so hard being overweight. I don't want to be a size 2, although that would be nice, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin, be able to run around with my kids and not feel like I am on the verge of a heart attack and I want my husband to be able to pick me up with out struggling. I know the last one sounds so petty, but we have been married for 4 years and he has probably done it twice and it was only when I was sick or when I hurt my back. 

Since I cut my hair I don't feel pretty anymore. I don't wear a lot of make up any more so I just feel like a fat boy most of the time. I feel like when people see me with my kids or with my husband they can't understand how we fit together. I want to feel good about myself for my kids and look pretty for my husband and mostly for myself. 

A lot of this has to do with money. Since my husband is the only one working, I feel like I shouldn't be spending money on myself so that is one of the reasons why I cut my hair because it costs so much less to take care of my hair now. I don't buy make up because I really don't go out and I don't spend on clothes that aren't practical for running around with the kids. I kinda feel like I am stuck in a rut. Am I going through a mid life crisis already? 

As much as I love my kids, I think that I want to go back to work. I don't think that I really have what it takes to be a stay at home mom. I think that I have been faking it the last year. I feel more like a babysitter that a mother sometimes. I feel so angry sometimes at the way that my life has turned out, but I know that I am just angry at myself for not finishing school and being more successful. I don't want to be a receptionist anymore, but I don't think I am qualified for much else at this point. I keep saying that I am going to finish school, but I know how I am, I will create excuses for not getting it done, but since I know that shouldn't I be able to avoid it, I a perfect world maybe. 

In order to go back to school, I have to pay some fines and get caught up on my loan, a matter of maybe $300. I can save that up. I need some goals, here we go:


1. Be proactive about losing weight, eat healthy, write down what I eat daily, exercise, go for walks, go up and down the stairs more often


2. Save up the money to get back into design school, stop spending on bullshit, clip coupons, no more eating out and stay out of the mall and no shopping online


3. Be more confident and outgoing (this is going to be the hardest for me) 


4. Be nice to everyone around me, I  am usually so sour and withdrawn

  (I was really nice to everyone at the grocery store the other day and it felt really good and it made shopping a better

 experience)



I'd better get to work!