Even though I am most comfortable with and aspire to always be the funny, witty and slightly abrasive, that is not really who I am. I am uber shy and quiet. I have been that way since a child. I think that I suffer from some sort of social anxiety. I totally freeze up in most social situations and I wish that I could melt into the wall when I am out in public. Now don't get it twisted, I am not some nutty recluse with sox (Go Red Sox, sorry crazy Boston Fan) on my hands and fourteen cats. I do wish that I could be more outgoing, especially for my kids, they deserve that kind of mother. Daily I have to remind myself to make baby steps for them. No one that knows me besides my husband knows that I have this fear. Those that think they know me only see me as this confident woman and they have no idea how tiring it is to keep up. I always get so mad at myself for caring what other people think of me, but I know that is why I am the way that I am.
I grew up in a weird household, I have three older half brothers, the youngest was 9 years older that me and he was the only one lived with me growing up. My parents were never married and it always seemed that my mother was waiting to get away from my father, he wasn't physically abusive, he was just an asshole. So when I was 12 they split and I stayed with my mother. For most of my life I felt like my dad could give a shit about me, he was there but more like a piece of furniture than a father figure, my brother was more like a dad to me. And at 12 I needed a father more than ever, someone to tell me that boys suck and someone to tell boys that he was going to give them a stern taking to and shown some of his old marine moves when they came calling for me. I never got that. With him it was mostly about money, as long as he didn't have to pay he was fine with it. I cried when I had to ask him to help us pay for our wedding. Now he has cancer and I thought that he would come around because he is sick, but no, so I have kind of made peace with the fact that he will never be the father that I needed him to be.
My mother on the other hand has always been the strong woman that i needed in a mother. She would give anything for my brother and I. The trade off is she is very critical of me and she is sometimes had to please. I think that she expected a lot of me when I was growing up and when I didn't go the direction that she wanted for me, I felt like she was dissapointed in me. Now as an adult I still feel like I need to impress my mother, I feel like I have her approval with the kids and my marriage, but I know that I have fallen by the waist side when it come to my career choices.
I feel like I have limited myself to admin work because of my fear of social situations. My goal is to be an interior designer, but I know with that I will have to be in so many situations where I will need to be the center of attention and I am so not comfortable with that. Now that the baby is getting older I decided to finish my degree, I am hoping that having the degree will give me the confidence to excel as a designer.
DROP!!!!!!!
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